Bringing your own sauce to a restaurant

Sometimes you gotta bring your own.

I saw a Seinfeld episode once where Kramer brought his own syrup to a restaurant and the owner of the restaurant got upset with him.  This seems to make sense on the surface but on the flip side, shouldn’t a restaurant want you to bring your own sauce?  They don’t charge you for sauce, so really, they are just losing money for every dip of your fries into their barbecue sauce as opposed to your own.  Now I guess maybe there are health code violations or something, but damnit, shouldn’t it be my right to bring my own sauce?

The only time I have ever actually brought my own sauce was when I brought Sweet Baby Rays to an all inclusive in Cancun.  They have a buffet with sub-par barbecue sauce (It’s hard to compete with Sweet Baby Rays), but all you can eat chicken nuggets.  It was a no brainer.

What about when I’m eating Hard Times Chili?  They give you a little tub of sour cream to put on the chili and I think they will bring you more, but I don’t wanna have to ask.  I want it all on there right now.  Sometimes the waiter or waitress won’t come by for a while and my food would get cold if I didn’t eat it.  Wouldn’t it be better if I just brought my own sour cream?

Oh, and get this.  This past week, I went to a certain unnamed restaurant that, while a great place I would recommend to all, does not carry either barbecue sauce or honeymustard!  What am I supposed to dip my fries in man?!

I have decided that I am going to start bringing my own sauce to places and report back to our loyal readers on what happens.  I would like to apologize in advance to my wife if this embarrasses her, but I’m doing it in the name of improving the eating experience, so I hope she understands.  I will try to be inconspicuous.  Here is the proposed list:

1)  Sour cream and jalapenos to Hard Times.  Hard Times only has the chopped up Jalapenos and I want to bring the slices that are soaking in jalapeno juice.

2)  Wing Sauce to a pizza place.  I generally only use World Harbors wing sauce on my pizza, and they don’t sell it in supermarkets anywhere that I know of so I have to order it online in these 64 oz jugs.  This may not be so easy to conceal.

3)  Sweet Baby Rays to a fast food joint.  The chance of them even noticing let alone having an issue is minimal.

4)  I’d like to get some of that Great American Restaurants butter (maybe I can make my own?) and bring it to a place that serves bread before the meal.  This could be tough though since butter would melt pretty easily.

I’d like to try more but these were all I was able to come up with this quickly.  Please give me any suggestions you might have!

The Art is in The Preperation

Thanksgiving is any Red-Blooded American Great Eater’s (RAGEr) favorite day of the year. It’s an unquestionable truth. For on this day, we appreciate what America is truly about: greed and gluttony. Best of all we get to do it guilt free, unlike Yom Kippur.

If you are any Great Eater worth your salt, you will have started the preparation process by now. Most of this is mental: you must prepare to deal with side-bursting pain and the risk of potential hospitalization to force yourself to go back for that third slice of mincemeat pie. As with many eating situations, having a system helps. Below are some helpful tips and suggestions.

First off, try and have one binge eating experience the weekend prior to Thanksgiving. For example my Saturday eating regimen consisted of BBQ Pork Nachos, a Baha Burger Value meal, a mega-appetizer platter spilt four ways and late night Waffle House hash browns all the way. And a waffle. A solid eating binge that prepared my stomach, brain, and most importantly, colon for what’s about to come.

Second, make sure to get lots physical activity the week prior. Lifting is good, power for the men, light weight multi-rep for the ladies. Plus post-lift hunger can produce the type of borderline psychosis you need to dominate the Thanksgiving table.

Third, make sure to have a full meal the night before. Some eaters may advocate a starvation strategy but I find that a normal evening gorging helps your body keep its normal rhythm. If you are a Great Eater, you should be used to gorging yourself at least once a day. This year I’m planning on Same Old Place pizza for my Wednesday night meal.

Fourth, show some discipline by avoiding the overhyped Wednesday night bar scene. Why risk being hungover and not at full eating strength? Would you go out and get plastered the night before the Super Bowl? I didn’t think so.

Finally the big day. Wake up and eat something minor…maybe toast with peanut butter. Be sure to drink lots of water. Around 11-12, go for a long run or bike ride, preferably 45 minutes. Shower up, put on your Thursday best and get ready to eat!

One last thing: Make sure to thank your turkey. He or She did give its life so we could enjoy this day. Be thankful it’s not the other way around, cause you never know when the turkeys will get the upper hand.

Eater’s Ball

Oh crap, they found my "To Serve Turkey" book!

Thanksgiving brings to mind many things.  Traffic.  Family.  Laughter.  And most importantly, eating.

From what I remember from elementary school, the first Thanksgiving occurred in what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts when the starving pilgrims enjoyed a feast provided to them by the accomodating Native American tribe(s) in the area.  Even though they came from different worlds, they were all able to join together over the universal language of eating.  The annual tradition is a celebration of both this event and for generally giving thanks and appreciation for the things that we all have in our lives.  For most people it stops there, but I intend to continue in the tradition of the thankful settlers and eventually slaughter all those who I am thankful to.  No, I kid!

Thanksgiving is also a time to cut loose and eat as much as you possibly can.  I personally like to follow up the traditional Thanksgiving meal with a traditional Thanksgiving nap and then later that night or the next morning, a traditional Thanksgiving turkey sandwich with a lot of mayonnaise.  The traditional Thanksgiving poop will also occur at some point but its place in that chronology can vary from year to year.

Like many meals, I always get really excited before my Thanksgiving dinner thinking about what I’m gonna eat.  When I was younger I used to imagine myself eating much more than I possibly could and I think I was always slightly disappointed in myself in the end.  I’ve gotten wiser in my old age and I’ve adapted my strategies and expectations to help me focus on the best stuff like mashed potatoes and turkey skin.  This year I plan on eating a lot of skin early in the meal because it’s not as good as leftovers but the meat is great for leftover turkey sandwiches.

And one of the great things about this annual eater’s ball is that no matter how often I participate, there are still tons of new things to learn!  For example, what is a cornucopia?  I have no idea.  From what I can tell, it’s some weird shaped thing that pumpkins and squash pour out of.

…Ok, I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and guess what?  I was somewhat right!  Apparently it is from Greek mythology and Zeus broke some goats horn and felt bad about it and so he gave the goat the horn back except with powers that would grant whoever had it whatever they wished for.  It is also known as the horn of plenty and has come to be used as a symbol of abundance and even fertility!

But unfortunately, not everybody has an overabundance of food on Thanksgiving.  Some people have very little.  Actually, the vast majority of people have very little and there is no great eating for them.  That is why we give thanks.  Whether you believe God or your own ability or even just plain luck has provided you with this year’s turkey skin and mashed potatoes, this is a day to appreciate not only the food and people in your life but to also recognize the fact that there is always someone out there who has things worse then you, unless you are that one person who has things absolutely the worst.

Greed, Hate, Envy

As Smoov pointed out, ordering food can be a perilous activity. If you don’t follow his rules, or have your own system in place your in danger of suffering one of a Great Eater’s biggest nemeses. Food envy.

Brunch is a particularly dangerous setting for food envy and an unprepared or hungover mind. Confusion can set in. All of a sudden, you can’t decide between the Denver Omelet and Reuben sandwich. Both seem delicious, but are you in the breakfast mood, or have you already moved on to lunch? You had eggs yesterday, but the Denver Omelet here comes with three types of cheeses, bacon AND ham. But the Reuben is definitely without a doubt once of the top 4 sandwich types. And how can anyone screw up a Reuben? You know you’re at least going to leave the meal satisfied.

But before you can make this important decision, your girlfriend has the audacity to tell the waitress you are “ready to order.” Now you’re no novice. When the waitress turns her beady disgruntled gaze to take your order, you coolly respond “I’ll take the Denver Omelet and a large orange juice,” like you’d been planning on ordering it since the moment you’d come out of the womb. But then, tragedy strikes.

Your girlfriend’s friend’s annoying ass boyfriend with the turtleneck sweaters speaks four words that pierce your soul like icy daggers: “I’ll take the Reuben.”

10 to 15 minutes later, your food comes out. And Turtleneck Sweaters’ Reuben is to die for. The corned beef is spilling over the sides. They made it with marble-rye bread and it’s glistening from all the butter they’ve put on it. And they’ve even given him an extra side of Russian dressing. And a pickle.

Meanwhile you can’t tell the difference between the bacon and ham in your Denver omelet. There’s no side of toast. The hash browns look paper shreds.
What you have, fellow Great Eater is a terrible case of food envy.
In such situations, it’s critical to remain calm. A true warrior shows no signs of weakness even if the odds are stacked against him. Here are some possible steps you can take to turn the meal to your favor:

The Fake Mis-Order:

Remember you are the customer. You are always right. Use this to your advantage by informing the server that they fucked up your order, and you actually ordered the Reuben. Sure it’s a little white lie, but are they really going to start an argument over a sandwich? Probably not. Note: It’s important to move quickly when making this move so try and assess the relative quality of the table’s dishes as they are being brought out. Better yet, survey other customers’ meals while you’re waiting for your own food. Don’t be afraid to walk over to another table to get a closer look.

The 50-50:
As the food is being served, joyfully turn to the rest of your table and say “man everything looks so good, how about we all share?” This is particularly effective if you are with women because their maternal instincts kick in. Women love feeding others. As a bonus, you can usually consume between 67 and 75 percent of the total food and the women will probably be happy about it. Some creative cutting and half the Reuben will be yours.

The Stubborn Refusal

A controversial tactic is simply to eat what you ordered. What’s key here is the posture you take: you need to convince everyone in the room that your Denver Omelet is culinary perfection. No amount of verbal hyperbole or orgasmic chewing is enough. If properly done, you’ll be able to spread your food envy to Mr. Turtleneck Reuben eater and score a resounding mental victory.

The Spill

Dirty, but effective. “Accidently” spill your coffee onto Mr. Turtleneck’s lap. As he goes to clean himself off, wolf down his sandwich. When he returns, blame the foreign bus boy for clearing his plate.

It can be a scary world out there for eaters, but with Smoov’s steps and these tactics, you can conquer food envy in almost any situation.

Trouble Deciding What to Order?

This might be your only shot. Feel free to go in the bathroom and listen to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" for ordering inspiration.

We’ve all been there before:

Rib Eye Steak or Jambalaya?  Rib Eye Steak or Jambalaya?  Rib Eye Steak or Jambalaya?  I think I will have the…ooh what’s this, Pulled Pork Sandwich topped with coleslaw?  What do I do?

Deciding what to eat at a restaurant can often be a taxing endeavor.  If it’s a place you eat often, no big deal.  You can always come back and try the other options.  But what about places you may only eat at sparringly, or perhaps even only once in your life?  Say for example, you were at House of Nanking in San Francisco, and you didn’t live near San Francisco and it might be your only visit to House of Nanking ever?  There’s a lot riding on this decision!

Ideally, you would be with a large group of people who felt the same way as you and you could all order a bunch of menu items and share them and get a taste of everything.  No. I take that back.  IDEALLY, you would be by yourself but have deep enough pockets and a big enough sack to order every item on the menu.  I’d like to be that man someday.  But I currently am not, so let’s be realistic.

You’re probably there with two to four people, including yourself, and it’s generally not that practical to share the meals evenly, so you will just have to eat your meal and maybe get a small taste of the others.  This is your shot and you’ve got to make the most of it.

Here are some guidelines that I think are helpful:

1)  Does the place have a thing that they specialize in?  If it’s a steakhouse, try to get the steak (or ribs or lamb chops or something thereof).  Don’t get the chicken or the fish unless you have reason to believe it’s something special.

2)  Have a food identity.  Be a meat guy or a pasta girl or a seafood guy or a spicy girl or some combination thereof and let it guide you.  It’s kind of like a team’s identity in football.  You can change it up every now and then to keep the defense on their toes, but stick to what you know.

3)  Have a  saftey food.  I like reubens.  If I go to a place that has sandwiches and I want a sandwich, then I will order the reuben if nothing else strikes my fancy.  Maybe the reuben isn’t the best choice on the menu, but I know I like them and I know afterwards I’ll at least be satisfied.

4)  Every now and then, throw yourself a curveball and display a balls to the wall attitude.  The first three rules not helping?  Then order the most unusual item that you can find on the menu if you don’t like it, at least you learned something.  If nothing on the menu is unusual, then randomly pick an entree.  And if your meal ends up being raspberry iced tea, then so be it!  I once ordered pigs feet at a Chinese restaurant in Toronto and I could barely stand to smell it.  I also ordered something else there that tasted good but had an awful consistency (It was like mucus but thicker and slimier).  Thus, I ate almost nothing and felt like an ass for it.  But hey, that’s life on The Eater’s Edge^TM!

These are not hard and fast rules, because often they can be contradictory (e.g. maybe you shouldn’t be the pasta girl at a steak house) but keep them in mind and I think they will help with difficult orders.  I still have trouble deciding what to order lots of time anyways so as always, please share your thoughts!

Eaters in the Media: Cookie Monster

Sesame Street Eating Picasso.

Today starts a Great Eater series that will be an in depth examination into how the media portrays eaters and the art of eating.  Given that it was recently Sesame Street’s 40th anniversary, the first “Eaters in the Media” will discuss none other than the lovable Cookie Monster!

Though eating is an art and thus subjective, and I don’t really watch much Sesame Street, it is safe to say that Cookie Monster is the Picasso of Sesame Street eaters.  According to Wikipedia, Cookie Monster made his Sesame Street debut on the very first episode when he interrupted Kermit the Frog, thus sparring viewers from having to waste any more time learning about the letter W, and proceeded to eat Kermit’s W model.  He even tried to eat Kermit!

Sesame Street apparently feels the need to associate an admirable passion for cookies with irrational and uncontrollable mania.  No, no, the cookie loving character can’t just eat cookies, he must try to eat everything!  Even precious Kermit!  Nobody would like someone who tries to eat Kermit THE Frog!  Or would they?

Cookie Monster soon became a dominant force in the Sesame Street world and a couple years later recorded the powerful yet gentle classic, “C is for Cookie”.  Arguably the most famous of the Sesame Street character songs, this tasty treat tribute holds a place in the heart of many a guy or gal to this day.

Cookie Monster wasn’t the most suave of muppets.  Considering the googly eyes, the sub par grammar and his unkempt shaggy hair, it seems that someone didn’t want this obvious eater caricature to catch on as a likeable character but more as someone the public loved to hate.  Too bad.  Eating was in and Cookie Monster spent the next 30 or so years kicking ass and taking names up and down the block.  Can I tell you how to get to Sesame Street?  I sure can.  But you’d better bring either a cookie or your .22 if you know what I’m saying.

In 2007, Cookie Monster’s eating habits took a turn when he announced that cookies were a “sometime food”.  The year before, Sesame Street had started a segment entitled “Healthy Habits for Life” where the characters would discuss healthy eating habits.  There were rumors that Cookie Monster was going to be replaced by Veggie Monster, but this proved to be false.  However, Cookie Monster can often be witnessed these days enjoying fruits and vegetables.  No word on whether he still tries to eat letters or frog men.

So don’t worry too much, loyal readers, because no matter how hard Jim Henson and his smear crew have tried to persuade us otherwise, 40 years later Cookie Monster still remains the most lovable character on the Sesame Street block.

Cocktail Hour: Tips and Strategies

This guy knows how to eat.

Let’s be honest.  There are probably volumes and volumes of dense material, enough to fill a small  to mid sized professional sports stadium, that could be written about eating at weddings.  It’s an art within an art.  I personally think wedding eating is best when you don’t know anybody at the wedding, except your significant other.  You can feel free to let her chat away with her friends while you spend your time eating.

But compared to many other eating situations, wedding eating is a different sort of beast.  You don’t just spend the whole time sitting at a table with a meal, for there is the ravenous period known as “cocktail hour”, where a truly great eater should shed his human like flesh (figuratively) and wallow in his suppressed*, animalistic nature.  But oh wait!  This is a classy event to celebrate the joining of two people into a lifelong committment of love!  You’ve got to show respect.  But how?

You must think like a hawk.  A hawk gracefully soars above the clouds, invoking the admiration of all those who witness his majestic flight.  All those except his prey.  His prey hides.  But it can’t hide forever.  At some point it must come out.  And that is when the hawk strikes.  When the moment is right.  And as has been done countless times since the dawn of life, the hunter feasts upon the hunted.

How to be like a hawk at cocktail hour during a wedding:

1)  Play it cool.  Yea, you see the food.  You see the bar.  You see the guests.  And everyone sees you.  But they don’t know your angle.  Keep it that way.

2)  Know where the servers are coming from.  Not all cocktail hours have servers, but for the ones that do, know which door they are coming from.  Don’t stand by the door (See #1), but make sure you know how to intercept the servers when they come out of it.

3)  It helps to have friends.  It’s always nice to have people around who sympathize with you and want to help you have a successful cocktail hour (e.g. a significant other who will get the food from servers for you, just so that you can get extras and don’t have to blow your cover).  What’s that you say?  What does having friends have to do with being like a hawk?  It’s called the endangered species act.

4)  Always keep an eye on the stations.  No matter where you are in the room, keep a constant look out at the stations and know how much food is left at each.  The more popular a station, the more often you need to go there.  And make sure you get there right before it’s empty.  Don’t be the guy who ate the last shrimp.  Eat the second to last.  And put as much cocktail sauce as is possible on that shrimp, because guess what?  It’s not classy to drink the leftovers from a sauce dish at a wedding!

Please, comment and let us know your thoughts!

*Damn society!

Eating is more important than football

Mark Sanchez, Hot dog eater and Jet's Quarterback

In this week’s eating news, Mark Sanchez, quarterback of the New York Jets is apparently catching some grief for eating a hotdog during a football game.  I for one, would like to commend Sanchez for setting a good example for the kids.  I don’t know a lot about him, but I can tell you his priorities are straight (at least in terms of eating over football).  As Jerome Bettis said at sportsillustrated.cnn.com:

“When I played, perhaps a water boy or someone would have some food on the sideline, or you would ask someone to grab a bite from the locker room, where there’s always a spread. But let me tell you, it’s not hard to get a hot dog. I’ve had a hot dog. I’ve had cookies. I actually had a hamburger. It wasn’t done up the way I liked it, with ketchup and mustard and lettuce and tomato. But I had a hamburger, and a sideline hamburger serves its purpose.”

Way to go fellas, representing for eaters worldwide.

A survey of the most common eating methods

Since this is a blog about eating, I thought it would be a great idea to examine the how of eating. Sure, we all like eating, but different cultures have evolved different methods of getting the food off the plate and into your mouths. Here’s a look at the big three:

1.) With your hands.

This is the most obvious and most straightforward way to eat. It’s hard to imagine eating fried chicken with utensils, or cutting up a candy bar or hot dog with a knife. However, certain cuisines are meant to be eaten with your hands- Ethiopian and Indian food come immediately to mind. In both of these cuisines, bread serves as a sort of barrier between the messiness of the food and the eater’s hand. Certainly, this is an important part of it. I guess nobody likes getting their hands dirty. But then again, licking your fingers after eating barbecue ribs or cheetos is a definite pleasure in life.

If your only consideration is speed, eating with your hands is definitely the choice to make. There’s a reason why Chestnut and Kobayashi do what they do. That’s not to say that great eating is all about speed- but certainly those guys know a thing or two about eating. Hand eating is surprisingly fun to do with non-traditional finger foods. I suggest you try eating rice or pasta with your hands. It will bring you back to an earlier time in your life.

2.)  Western utensils.

Fork, knife, spoon. These guys are the mainstay of any western cuisine. These represent the specialization and segregation of duty in food gathering responsibility. The fork is the most important utensil in western food consumption. It’s used to skewer food as well as twirl pasta, and generally the utensil most directly involved in getting the food into the mouth. The knife is used only in preparing the food in the dish to get to a forkable size, and the spoon is generally only used for consuming liquids or desserts. Why is it the eater’s responsibility to cut the food to mouth-sized portions in western food but the chef’s responsibility in most other cuisines? It may be that in a rice eating society (mostly non-western cultures) with less access to meat, needing a knife for each person eating is fairly unnecessary. Since the chef has access to knives and needs to distribute a smaller amount of meat to more eaters, the dishes most likely centered around smaller cuts (ground meat is very common in non-western cultures) and lesser amounts of meat.

A special distinction can also be made between steak knives and butter knives- steak knives need to be sharp, whereas butter knives need only be flat, though most households today use multipurpose table knives which are serrated and able to cut most meats while also not being particularly sharp.

Western utensils are indispensible in eating larger foods like steaks, long foods like asparagus, and desserts.

3.)  Chopsticks.

The mainstay of Asian food consumption, chopsticks take the opposite philosophy from western utensils in that chopsticks are designed to be very dextrous, and therefore actually require some training to use. Chopsticks work surprisingly well in picking up rice from a bowl but are considerably harder to use when eating off a plate; it’s almost as if the bowl is a utensil itself (and generally the eater’s other hand is used to hold the bowl closer to the mouth while using the chopsticks in the dominant hand.) Chopsticks are essential in eating foods such as dumplings (especially soup filled dumplings) in which piercing the dumpling with a fork would result in completely unacceptable fluid loss. We aren’t barbarians here. Chopsticks plus a soup spoon in the off-hand are also the inarguably best method in which to eat noodle soup. I will not tolerate any disagreement on this point. A point in which to debate might be whether western utensils or chopsticks are better at eating noodles. Discuss amongst yourselves.

I’ve almost certainly left out some specialty food utensils here, but surely these three methods make up at least 95% of the eating habits of the world. As an aside, my parents insisted when I was growing up, that we eat using both hands- One with a fork and one with a knife, or more commonly, one with a fork and one with a spoon. Using these two utensils as shovels, in conjunction with the fact that they never yelled at me for chewing with my mouth open, has made me quite efficient at eating large quantities of food in small amounts of time. Now, I’ve learned that it’s impolite to do both of these things. But as tjsmoov said, sometimes we have to buck conventional wisdom in order to be great eaters.

The Fire Down Below

Let’s face it, if you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance you read English. In fact, it’s most likely you were born in an English speaking speaking country.

Well I have some sad news for you, you’re most likely a pussy. At least when it comes to food (and probably when it comes to many other things.) You could be a boring suburban American eater, in which case you consider “going crazy” getting something moo shu style at Flat Top Grill. Worse still you could be a Brit and not know of any spices outside of salt and pepper.

It’s not your fault though. You were born into a culture that, for all its considerable strengths, lacked any style of panache when it came to its cuisine. Yes us Anglos have been doing what we do best lately, (stealing from other cultures,) and it has improved cuisine dramatically.

But when it comes to exotic food, particularly spicy food, you’re a wuss.

Maybe you’re a little cultured so you throw a half spoon of chili paste onto your fried rice. Oh really? Well here’s how they do it in Sichuan Province.

That’s a god damn half bottle’s worth of chili sauce on top of some pickled pork and green onions. Will it be slightly uncomfortable to eat? Possibly. Will your asshole burn like the sixth circle of hell for 36-48 hours? Absolutely. But is it worth it? You’d better freaking believe it.

Because its delicious. And delicious is all that counts, be it in the US, China or anywhere else on this fair planet.